EASEing Your Way Out of Chronic Loneliness

I am often askedwhat can be done to escape the grips of chronic loneliness.  In our book, we suggest foursimple steps, captured in the acronym EASE, for dealing with chronic loneliness.  Be forewarned:  Some of what follows may seem obvious, but keepin mind it is obvious that “birds of a feather flock together” and that “oppositesattract;” and we all “know” that “two heads are better than one” and that “too manycooks spoil the broth.” Although both statements in each of these pairs may be self-evident,they are internally inconsistent and therefore both cannot be true.  This is what is so problematic about self-evidenttruths about the mind – we have a variety of ready-made labels for things afterthe fact, but these labels often do not predict or explain anything about howthe mind actually works.  The real test iswhether these work for you when you are resolve to give EAST an honest try.

E is for Extend Yourself.  The withdrawal and passivity associated withloneliness are motivated by the perception of being threatened. To be able totest other ways of behaving without that feeling of danger, you need a safeplace to experiment, and you need to start small. Don’t focus on trying to findthe love of your life or to reinvent yourself all at once. Just slip a toe inthe water. Play with the idea of trying to get small doses of the positivesensations that come from positive social interactions.

To improve your odds of eliciting a positivereaction—and to reduce your odds of being disappointed—you may want to confineyour experimental outreach to the somewhat safer confines of charitableactivities. Volunteer at a shelter or a hospice, teach elders how to usecomputers, tutor children, read to the blind, or help with a kids’ sports team.You will not necessarily receive gratitude and praise for your gooddeeds—that’s not what you’re after—but it is also unlikely that you will receivescathing social punishment. There will be no big scene of fulfillment in whichyou are at long last voted football captain or prom queen, nor will youimmediately fall into a relationship with a movie star. But you may begin tofeel the positive sensations that can reinforce your desire to change, whilebuilding your confidence, while improving your ability to self-regulate. Even“small talk” about sports or the weather, when it is welcomed and shared, canbe a co-regulating, calming device, and the positive change it can bring to ourbody chemistry can help us get beyond the fearful outlook that holds us back.

A is for Action Plan.  Some people view themselves as adrift on agenetic and environmental raft over whose course they have no control. The simplerealizations that we are not passive victims, that we do have some control, andthat we can change our situation by changing our thoughts, expectations, andbehaviors toward others can have a surprisingly empowering effect, especiallyon our conscious effort to self-regulate. A second inkling of control comesfrom recognizing that we have latitude in choosing where to invest our socialenergy. It does not take an enormous change to alter one’s course anddestination dramatically.

Charitable activities enable us to put ourselves inthe social picture with less fear of rejection or abuse, but even here somediscretion is in order. Coaching kids’ soccer requires a least a littleknowledge of the game, but being manager or assistant coach often requires nothingmore than a willingness to show up and pass around the Gatorade and the orangeslices. Trying out for the community theater production could be awkward unlessyou really have acting or singing talent, but the theater group would probablywelcome you with open arms if you volunteered to help backstage or in theticket office. If you’re shy with people but love animals, volunteer at ananimal shelter. The animals will welcome you immediately. When you feel readyto reach out more to the humans around you, you can safely assume that theother volunteers share your interest in animal welfare, which gives you anatural basis for conversation, perhaps even connection.

Feeling lonely also make us fall victim to our owneagerness to please. Social connection does not involve superhuman strength.Committing to doing too many things for too many people in an effort to openourselves to connection can instead make us feel overworked, stressed out, andfaltering. The whole point is to be merely human—available to the commonbond of humanity. Nor does anyone say that you have to become a long-sufferingsaint. Instead, the most adaptive model is an openness to engagement combinedwith realistic expectations, accurate perception of social cues—including cuesthat suggest caution—and realism about the type and number of commitments totake on. That may sound like a lot to manage, but when our executive brain isnot distressed by feelings of isolation and threat, it is up to the task.

S is for Selection.  The solution to loneliness is not quantitybut quality of relationships. Human connections have to be meaningful andsatisfying for each of the people involved, and not according to some externalmeasure. Moreover, relationships are necessarily mutual and require fairlysimilar levels of intimacy and intensity on both sides. Even casual chitchatneeds to proceed at a pace that is comfortable for everyone. Coming on toostrong, oblivious to the other person’s response, is the quickest way to pushsomeone away. So part of selection issensing which prospective relationships are promising, and which would beclimbing the wrong tree. Loneliness makes us very attentive to social signals.The trick is to be sufficiently calm and “in the moment” to interpret thosesignals accurately.

In the same fashion,we all need to learn that beingdrawn to someone’s physical appearance or status is not a good basis for a deepconnection. Compatibility and sustainability depend far more on such things ascommon beliefs, attitudes, interests, and activities. When it comes to datingand marital success, the data show that similarity(“birds of a feather flock together”) trumps complementarity (“oppositesattract”).

Deciding how to search for birds of your own featherrequires selection as well. For those who tend to be more quiet than talkative,finding someone who is also comfortable with silent companionship may be a goodidea. Enthusiastic readers, especially shy readers, are more likely to findpeople to connect with at an author’s appearance at a bookstore, or by workingin a literacy program, than by going to a dance club. How you should go abouttrying to meet people depends on what kind of people you want to meet.

E is for Expect the Best.  Social contentment can help us to be moreconsistent, generous, and resilient. It can make us more optimistic, and that“expect the best” attitude helps us project the best. Warmth and goodwill onone person’s part is more likely to elicit warmth and goodwill from otherpeople–such is the power of reciprocity. With practice, any of us one can “warmup” what we present to the world. We have more control over our thoughts andbehavior patterns than we may think, but then again, no one can exercise totalcontrol of interpersonal relationships, any more than we can force an immediateand complete turnaround in the way others see us. While we wait for the changein us to register in the world around us, fear and frustration can push us backinto the critical and demanding behavior associated with loneliness. This iswhen patiently focusing on the small physiochemical rewards of reaching out tofeed others can help keep us on track.

The need for patience does not end once we begin tofind greater happiness in our relationships. Even if any of us were perfect,inevitably the other people we come to know will have different perspectives.The prototypical wedding vows, “for better or for worse, in good times and inbad,” are a public proclamation of the ever-present likelihood of interpersonalfriction. Even the best friends and the partners in the best marriages willdisagree and hurt each other from time to time. The secret to success in theface of this reality is not to magnify the moments of friction by over-interpretingthem.

John