Alone doesn't mean lonely

"The fear of being alone is probably innate. I'll bet you can recall a time from your childhood when you got separated from your mom in a public place.

As a teen perhaps you can remember feeling horribly lonely when you either couldn't get a date for, or an invitation to, a school dance. The strength of these memories, and the intense loneliness still associated with them may surprise you.

But that was then, and this is now. As a young person you couldn't possibly have understood the difference between loneliness, aloneness and solitude. Even as adults we tend, mistakenly, to use these words interchangeably. According to Webster's, solitude is "the quality or state of being alone, or remote from society."

Notice that there is no negative connotation attached to the definition for solitude. Loneliness, on the other hand, implies feelings of despair and unhappiness as a result of being alone.

Learning that you can survive and even thrive while alone is one of life's greatest lessons. Daily, people talk with me about their fears of being abandoned due to an impending divorce or death of a loved one.

What you may not yet know is that learning to be alone is very much like first realizing that there is no "boogeyman" under the bed: Once you begin to spend some time alone, you'll understand that there was never anything to fear in the first place.

Creative people quickly learn that their work necessitates solitude. Beatrix Potter, noted author and illustrator of children's books ("The Tales of Peter Rabbit"), spent much of her life in solitude. What can we learn from Beatrix Potter, Ludwig von Beethoven and others who have not only endured solitude, but have reveled in it? If we could speak with them today, this is what they would likely tell us: Time spent alone affords us opportunities that might otherwise elude us. These opportunities include time for:

- Rejuvenation: Alone time provides the chance to relax and to recharge our batteries, returning to our daily routines renewed and refreshed.

- Creative Thinking: Solitude allows creativity to flourish. During and after alone time, solutions to seemingly unsolvable problems may emerge.

- Restoring Integrity: Being alone encourages us to reflect on our actions and how they may conflict with our values and beliefs. Constant activity affords us an unhealthy escape from this kind of self-reflection.

- Healing from Loss: Any kind of loss, such as a change in residence, loss of a job, or loved one's death, triggers a necessary grieving process. Solitude forces us to face the grief head on, allowing us to heal.

- Developing Spirituality: Solitude provides the chance to connect with a higher power. Spirituality helps us find inner peace and strength, despite the uncertainties of life.

- Reconnecting with Nature: In today's face-paced, technological world it is all too easy to avoid seeing a sunrise or smelling a flower. Alone time can be spent while soaking in our natural environment. Doing this helps us to put our problems into perspective and restores a sense of inner calm.

"These opportunities all sound great, but how do I find solitude", you might ask.

It is harder than ever to find quiet time and space, with blackberries, cell phones and e-mail. Therefore, it will take determination to create alone time. It's not necessary to be alone for hours. In fact, solitude is best experienced for 20 to 30 minutes each day. It should be a time for being, not doing. You might try yoga, meditation, prayer of quiet reflection; whatever provides you with the greatest sense of calm and relaxation. You will need to enlist the cooperation of loved ones as you institute your new habit of daily solitude.

Go ahead and look under the bed; there's no boogeyman! And there is no reason to fear solitude, either. Take the plunge and experience alone time. Once you try it you'll be amazed at how you begin to crave it."

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